The Fourth of July!

It occurred to me today that it is July 3rd, the day before Independence Day and the day before Susan's birthday. She will be 61 this year.

Growing up, the Fourth of July was never a day of celebrating. While we would have cake and ice cream in celebration of Susan's birthday, no plans were ever made to celebrate the National Holiday. While other kids went off with their parents to park roadside and watch fireworks, we were stuck at home, usually watching whatever sitcom Susan was into at the moment.

Its not that we didn't want to go see the fireworks, take trips to the lake or grill on a Bar-B-Que, It was that Susan didn't want to.

Because of Susan's illness she avoided being in public at all costs. I always found that funny, since she could hear the voices anywhere she was, whether is be home or the grocery store. I never understood why she avoided people if she heard them all of the time anyway.

Anyways, whatever Susan wanted to do, we did, it was her Birthday after all. At the same time we were deprived of celebrating what most Americans would consider a big Holiday.

None of this is to say that we never tried to get Susan out of the house. When we all had jobs and were bringing in money we would offer to take her out to dinner. We would promise her that we wouldn't let anyone talk about her. We would tell her that we would park the car away from the others so that we could see the fireworks. Of course, none of it ever convinced her, and the night would year after year would be spent by her side, in our house.

When we were teens, and Royce had the freedom of driving, we would contemplate getting into the car and sneaking off to find some fireworks. It never happened. The guilt of leaving Susan alone on her birthday, or any other time for that matter, was heart wrenching for us.

Its little things like this that really make me realize how much Susan needed us, especially for emotional support. While most mothers are there for their children in times of need, we were there for Susan. Without us she had no friendship, no love. Without us we knew that she would shrivel into a severe state of depression and spend her days slowly dying in a darkened room all alone.

As we all got older and began to get out on our own and live our own lives, the guilt and resentment I felt for Susan only deepened. Anytime I went off with friends or my husband at the time, the entire night would be spoiled with internal dialogue buzzing in my brain. "You're a horrible daughter", I would think, "Who do you think you are to have fun when your mother is all alone?" By the time I would arrive back home, little remembrance of the fireworks and fun would remain, only the daunting thoughts that filled my head.

Many times, I found it less painful to be stuck at the house with Susan rather than go out and have fun like most people my age would have. Dealing with the monotony of our house was much easier than dealing with the remorse of leaving Susan behind.

Looking back, I am saddened to see how much time and energy I wasted on pitying her and her lonely life. For I truly created a lonely life for myself by doing so.

It is said that we must all be responsible for all of the things that have happened in our lives. We all have made choices and each choice has a consequence. In taking responsibility for the lonely life I have created for myself, I still feel that I cannot hold Susan accountable for where she was in her life.

While I am mentally and emotionally capable of making decisions and accepting the consequences that come with them, I feel that Susan was not. Her emotions so incredibly crippled and broken, her mental state, so disfigured that it was incapable of grasping reality.

Would it be fair to say that Susan was responsible for her lonely life? I think not, that is my personal opinion though. When you think about it from her point of view, would you want to surround yourself with people who openly gossip about you and say hateful and hurtful things right to your face? If you were surrounded by that, would you also make it a point to stay within the walls of your home so as to avoid all the hurtful words? In all honesty, I think I would. I would hide away too.

In my journey of forgiving Susan and accepting her illness I find more and more that looking at the world from her point of view is the most beneficial way to reach my goal of total forgiveness.

Perhaps, if you have someone to forgive and are having a difficult time, it may benefit you to live their life from their point of view sometime. Just a thought :)

Until then, have a great Holiday and enjoy the lake, grilling, fireworks, friends, family, whatever it may be. As for me, I am sure that much of my night will be full of the same old internal dialogue that has been rambling in my brain for many years come every Fourth of July. Funny how when someone is no longer in your life, they are always there.