STRESS!!!

As a child and through out my teenage years, Susan was the only consistent adult in my life. Most things that I either consciously or sub-consciously learned about life and how to handle situations that may arise, were all learned from her and her personal reactions to those situations.

Susan had three ways of handling stress....
1. Eating
2. Sleeping
3. Have a complete mental/emotional breakdown

Yes, this was the example that I learned from, and I unfortunately picked up these reactions to stress as well.

Honestly, I was never taught how one should appropriately deal with stress. While some people journal, take a walk, or get lost in their favorite hobby for a few hours, I automatically go straight to "Mom mode".

I really do react to stress the same way that Susan did. Not to the same degree, however the same nonetheless. While Susan would sometimes sleep 20 hours a day, I will sleep 12 to 14. While she would hide in her bedroom and eat an entire box of donuts, I would veg in front of the TV with a bowl of ice cream . And while Susan would dash to the streets and freak out at the neighbors is a fit of psychotic fury, I simply just "blow up" once the stress inside of me has built up too much and there is no where else for it to go besides "out".

It is frustrating to say the least. I would say that for the most part, given my upbringing, I am actually a very "normal" person. I think the one thing that really sets me aside from most people are my coping mechanisms as far as stress is concerned.

More often than not, when I see others experiencing stress, I see them as handling it in a very healthy way. Oh, how I envy them.

Another issue for me as far as stress in concerned are the physical and medical repercussions. They say that stress is the number one killer in the world and the reason for most medical conditions, whether they be a mild common cold or a fatal heart attack. Even Cancer has been linked to stress. The list could go on for miles.

As for me, when an especially stressful situation arises, a migraine headache is eminent. Sometimes within mere seconds of the stressful occurrence, other times it takes days for the pressure in my temples to finally grow into a full blown migraine that could last for up to 3 weeks.

Also, being only 25 years old, I have a slew of medical problems. Migraines, chest pains, Gull Bladder attacks, Severe Endometriosis, Infertility, and benign, internal growths are among those issues.

I can honestly say with no doubt in my mind that these are ALL directly related to the high amount of stress in my life. I have yet to get a handle on my stress as I am not sure how to appropriately deal with it. Funny thing is, my unhealthy coping mechanisms in regards to stress actually cause me more stress. Being over weight from coping by eating causes more stress. Sleeping too much to cope and never getting what I need to get done done also causes stress. Well, you get the point...

Its funny how who we are are our little miniature parents, whether we like to admit it or not. I think that if everyone was really honest with themselves and really looked at their beliefs, morals, or behaviors, they would see that all those things relate directly back to their parents and their upbringing. Whether they formed their lives around their parents behaviors, or formed behaviors in direct opposition of their parents.

It's frustrating, especially when your parent is completely psychotic. Great to know that 90% of my makeup was molded after Susan. Sigh.... What can I do though? It is what it is.

Try as I might, I always revert back to my bad coping mechanisms and behaviors. It is hard to simply "re-program" oneself.

More and more I find other ways to deal with my stress, however, I know it will take years for me to effectively replace old habits with new ones. Its a long and strenuous process, however, my daughter deserves a good example of what healthy stress management looks like.

So for now, just going along, doing my best to fight old habits and find ways to purposely deal with my stress rather than automatically deal with it the way I always have. Its a journey.

Thanks for reading.

Catching up

Wow, I haven't blogged in a really long time!

Long story short, recent events have pushed me to realize one of my dreams and finally take action towards it, writing a book. And what better thing to write about than my bazarre yet somehow entertaining life?

Really, anytime I tell people a little about my life and the things I have been through with Susan, people end up starry eyed, hanging on to every word I say and are usually full of questions. Sad as it is, Mental Illness and the odd symptoms that accompany it, tend to trigger a lot of interest among the public.

Funny thing is, I don't think my story is all that strange. While I know full well that I did in fact have a very strange and disturbing life experience, one must keep in mind that I was born into it. Logically, I know that my childhood wasn't normal. Emotionally, however, it was very, well, normal, since that it all I have ever known.

Anyways, back to the book thing...

My sister has always been a writer, and I must say, she is pretty darn good at it. For years we have questioned why on earth she never attempted to publish any of her work. Funny that I have always wanted to write, however, always felt that I sucked at it. I thought, "What the heck?" Can it hurt to give it a go, write a book, and see what happens?

There is one problem though...

I have mentally blocked out much of my childhood. While there are still hundreds of very vivid memories, they do not begin to even scratch the surface. More and more I do recall more memories though.

Mental Health experts say that we start to have memories or perhaps flashbacks, to traumatizing events in our lives when we finally feel that we are in a safe place emotionally to be able to experience those things. So more and more, things come back to me, just not enough to really convey my story in the form of a book. I'm not totally sure how to get over this little bump in the road, however, I am hoping that as I write, more and more thing will come up for me.

So here's hoping that for once I finish what I start! Ha ha, yes, I am infamous for getting these great ideas, getting off to a great start, and then slowly let go of them.

I will keep you all posted with the progress! Thanks for reading!