Everyone who knows me knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Rarely does someone ever have to guess what mood I'm in or how I feel about something. I am one to make it known! At least, that's how I am normally. These past few months I have felt a strange mixture of anger and numbness, it seems like so much has come to a head lately and I simply don't know how to deal with it. Everyday is a struggle to stay positive and be grateful for the wonderful blessings I have in my life and I can't seem to shake this bitter and resentful person that has been rearing it's ugly head. In reaction to all the emotional craziness it seems like my brain and emotions go into shutdown mode.
Marriage problems, renovating a house ourselves, moving, having a pushy family member live with us, and still dealing with the acceptance of infertility issues seems to have pushed me over my threashhold of stress.. thus the numbness and the emotional shut-down that I have been experiencing. It's happened before and I've gotten myself out of this dreadful feeling, but nonetheless I hate to feel this way for any amount of time.
Though there are still a few of my siblings who keep in touch with my mom, I rarely hear any news or updates about her, (by choice of course). It seems that anything I hear about her just triggers so much and sends me into a stress induced tailspin. Feelings of anger, shame, guilt, and sadness always surface and I end up thinking about her for days at a time. It has been nearly 5 years since I have seen or spoken to her, yet I still get these feelings with even the slightest mention of anything going on with her.
With all this being said, my sister recently told me that my mom isn't doing so well. There are talks of cancer and heart problems, issues walking and frequent trips to the Emergency Room among other things. The possibility of death isn't far out of reach right now and it is apparently something she has talked about with at least one of my siblings.
I've known for some time that she wasn't in good health, but this time it seems different. Anytime someone brings up the possibility of death it changes things and what used to be something that wasn't too concerning suddenly takes on a completely different level of concern. I don't know all of the details to all of this, I don't think really anyone does since they haven't attended Doctor appointments with her, but it seems to have been confirmed by family members that she may not have much time left.Or perhaps everyone is overreacting?
This leaves me feeling a lot of different emotions and thinking a lot of different thoughts. I wonder if I was wrong in removing her from my family's life. If I should have made more effort to have a relationship with her. If I should have at least allowed Kaitlyn to be a part of her life.I think that if I had only held on and tried harder to get along with her these past 5 years then I wouldn't have to be stuck thinking these things. I wonder if I should go see her, just in case. Or would it be best to maintain my distance so as not to unintentionally reignite communications? I wonder if I will feel guilty if I don't go see her now... or will I regret seeing her? Either way, how would she feel if I suddenly showed up after all this time? What would we say to each other? So many thoughts and questions...
Even with all of this going on I also can't help but feel a huge sense of relief. Knowing that she may soon finally have relief from this alternate universe that she has been imprisoned in for the past nearly 40 years does bring some comfort. Is it strange to admit that? That part of me would be happy if she did die and was finally able to be herself in the next life?
I have mentioned in earlier Blogs that there were brief moments through out the years where my real mom shined through. Though it seemed the majority of my years with her were spent with a woman who had lost touch with reality, I can still remember times when I could tell that my mom was there, not just the person that Schizophrenia had turned her into. During these brief times I remember that she was loving and caring, quiet, and somewhat shy and sensitive. She was like what a mother should be like. The person who had been trapped inside all along.
I can't help but feel like I have been cheated out of having a mother. I know that some people are much worse off, having addicted, negligent, and abusive mothers who couldn't care less if their children were alive. At least my mother made sure I had the necessities and that I was alive, fed, sheltered and clothed and in her weird twisted way tried to express her love to me. Not to mention that it seems that she really did the best she could considering her mental state. However, I still feel this bitterness towards the universe which denied me the chance to have a happy and healthy relationship with the one woman that most young women my age have the closest relationship with... their mother.Perhaps even after all the heart ache and pain that she unintentionally caused me I owe it to her to makes amends before she moves on to the next life...
So for now this is where I'm left... Not sure what to do, or what to think about this situation, should this really be her final days. I suppose for now, with my emotional health and stress levels being where they are, I will just pray about it. Hopefully my answer won't come too late and hopefully all of this worry will be for nothing.
Until next time, Laurie
