Introduction

Hello all. My name is Laurie and I am the daughter of a Schizophrenic. Susan, as I call her, is one the 60,000,000 people through out the world that suffer a baffling and damaging illness. Susan is currently 61 years old and began displaying symptoms of Schizophrenia when she was 23, a typical age for symptoms to begin. At this time she was already married and a mother to my oldest brother.

I have heard little about the details of her onset of Schizophrenia, but I have heard one story in particular, one shared with me by an Aunt of mine. My Aunt went to visit Susan at her house one day when she was young and living in California. When my Aunt arrived she found Susan alone in her apartment with the window blinds shut, the door locked, and the apartment dark.

Confused, she said, "Susan, its so dark in here. Why don't you open the blinds?" She made her way to open them when Susan stopped her. "Don't open them, they're watching me." she whispered in a low tone, peaking out through the gaps in the blinds. "Who? What are you talking about? There's no one out there." my Aunt explained. "Those people, they've been watching me all day, and they're talking about me."

That is the most that I know of Susan's onset, the first known story of her spiral into madness. A world of paranoia, hallucinations, delusions and other uncontrolled and strange behaviors. Memories as a child, and being raised by this ever present illness, are still very vivid in my memory. These memories have piqued my curiosity and have caused me to become increasingly interested in Schizophrenia and other Psychotic Disorders. I have spent much of my free time researching, reading, and trying to make sense of this mysterious illness that has effected my entire being and has molded me into who I am today.

My childhood was very traumatic and memories have haunted me my entire life. It wasn't until recently that I came to terms with my experiences and achieved something that I thought would be impossible; forgiving Susan.

When I think about my mother, I no longer feel anger, hate and resentment. I see a woman, wife and mother who suffered a severe illness. One that was never asked for, one that could not be helped. She had hopes and dreams just like any other person in this world. She had likes and dislikes and had plans for her life. She dreamed of re-marrying one day and helping to raise her Grandchildren. She longed for companionship and love, things that Schizophrenia prevented her from having.

I've noticed, through my reading and interactions with others, that "crazy" people are consistently painted as bad, horrible people who are believed to have control over their behavior and thoughts. This is not so. I like to think of it as a type of Cancer. Do you know anyone who wants Cancer? Do you know anyone who would ask for it? No, of course not, yet millions of people every year are diagnosed and many times die due to the effects of it. Schizophrenia is a very harmful and damaging disease. One that often tears families apart, destroys loving and meaningful relationships, and drives people to hate and anger that they may suffer with until the day they die.

I no longer have a relationship with my mother, not that I ever had one in the first place. You see, I did not know my mom. I only knew her Schizophrenia. Learning to differ between the two has been tremendously liberating for me. I am on a mission to help the world see the difference. The difference between the person they are and the person that their illness has created. Perhaps by doing this, I can help others to liberate themselves as well. To let go of the hate and resentment, and see the person who is cast under the shadow of Schizophrenia.

I have much to learn about Mental Illness, and I look forward to learning more everyday and keeping you informed. Hopefully, together, we can raise awareness so that solutions can be reached. Solutions that will not only benefit and change the lives of those who are effected by it, but those who suffer with the disorders themselves, for they truly carry the greatest burden of all involved. Thanks for reading. I hope you can help me share the stories you read here. The more people who are aware, the better.