Victims, Choices, and Forgivness.

My name is Laurie and I am a Victim!! Yes, I said it, I am a victim to things that are outside of my control! I have had a crappy life and because of that I have the right to be depressed and angry at the world! The world OWES me because of what I have been through. And if you don't believe me, then tough! Because you simply don't understand what I have been through and you never will!!!

Ha ha ha... Yep, that was me a year ago. A victim to a life which I had thought that I had no control over. I think most of us feel like victims to things outside of our control at at least one point in our lives. We allow uncontrollable events to control how we feel about ourselves, lives, jobs, and other people. And because of that, we feel that we have the RIGHT to be miserable people who relive their crappy lives and bad experiences over and over and over again. When people say, "Just get over it, let it go", we refuse because "they just don't understand".

It wasn't until I attended a Personal Growth Seminar last year that my entire life did a total 360. For the first time in my life I took total and complete responsibility for how my life has turned out. I took responsibility for my anger, depression and most importantly, my past.

The concept, which I believe to be a truth, is that we ALL have total and complete control over our lives. If we are happy, it is because we choose to be that way. If we are sad or angry, it is because we choose to feel those feelings. Really, if you think about it, no one can MAKE you mad. No one can physically go inside you head, turn on the "anger switch", and make you angry. Things outside of our control happen everyday. And every time something happens we attach an emotion to the situation and we make a choice on how we want to feel about it.

My life living with my Schizo mom was crazy to say the least, but realizing that I had control over how I chose to handle the crazy things has given me incredible freedom. Whoda thunk that taking the "blame" for my depression and anger and resentment would be a good thing? It seems easier to point fingers and blame others. I used to point my finger at Susan and say, "Its her fault I'm depressed. Its her fault I'm suicidal. Its all her fault because she's crazy and she ruined my life". By doing this, I indeed handed the control of my life and feelings over to my mom. No wonder I felt like I had no control over my life! It was because I GAVE her control choosing to feel the way I did about her and my life!

The key to learning and "getting" this concept is by being totally honest with yourself. I was forced into a place where I could not hide from what I created for myself. I had to be honest with myself if I truly wanted change and the ability to forgive. I have lived my life as a victim to things that were, in fact, in my control. I have held on to depression and anger because strangely, it works for me.

Being a victim is easy. I just sit back and say, "Oh, poor, poor me..." And there you have it! Now I have an excuse to withdraw from people. I have an excuse not to trust anyone. I have an excuse to avoid meaningful and intimate relationships in order to keep others from getting too close. I have an excuse to relive my past over and over and live in a state of depression. Yes, it is easy, but where did it get me? No where good, that's where. Had I chosen to not live my life as a victim to circumstance, I am certain that I would be at a much better place in my life right now. I would be where I have always dreamed I would be at this age.

Realizing that I control my life and how I feel about things, has allowed me to forgive Susan. My mom is Schizo and always will be. Ok... so what? Am I going to allow that to decide my happiness for the rest of my life? No way! I have wasted far too much time being a victim to my mom. Yes, things did happen, but what does dwelling on them change about them? Why torture myself with reliving it over and over?

So, this girl who was a total victim last year has now taken responsibility for her life and where she is today. Because of this I am liberated, I now know that I have control over my life, and most importantly, I was able to let go of the past and forgive! Now that I have been there I can never go back, once you know the truth, you can never go back to where you were.

Now understand, that I have not, and never will, fully perfect this way of being and living. Everyday I fall back into "victim mode" because it is what I have always done, and as I said, it has worked for me. Being a victim is what got me to where I am today. However, now I can catch myself doing it and I recognize it. It takes A LOT of EFFORT and PRACTICE to form this new way of thinking. The old way of thinking will always be there, but by thinking and behaving in a new way, eventually, it will become natural for me to live my life in this mindset.

If you are having trouble forgiving, letting go of resentment, and recognizing that you have more control than you think, I would highly recommend this wonderful and LIFE CHANGING seminar that I attended last year and that I continue to be involved in. Please let me know if you would like more info. Here's to you and a life full of choices, self-honesty and responsibility!